I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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