Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My penis needs a shock collar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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