I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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