im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
