I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
