i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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