I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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