My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
