It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
