First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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