She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
