You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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