When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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