I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
