I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
