I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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