Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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