I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
