It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
