now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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