I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
