ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
