Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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