I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
