whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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