You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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