a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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