Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
