btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
