CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
