Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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