Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
