I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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