So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
