Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
