The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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