The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
