see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
