tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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