his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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