I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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