It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
