Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
