I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
