I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
