Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
