I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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