oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
