we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext me about skeletons
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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