I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
