You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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