i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
