smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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