i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
