There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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