Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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